eating shit

Its always strange to find yourself in a place you’ve been before, a place stored away and visited from time to time in a drawer in your memory. The other day we pulled up to the venue in Portland and immediately it stung me that I was in one of those spots. Across the street was a venue that I recognized, I had played acoustic on that street corner in spring 2005…

I dropped out of college a few months before determined to make a career for myself with music. We were maybe halfway finished with the album and I was still playing mostly acoustic shows around the bay area. Bryce had quit school too and had signed on to play bass in my band, when I could get it all together. Now and again we would recruit guys from our friend’s bands to fill in drums and lead guitar and we’d play as a full band.

Spenser was living in Olympia and putting on shows at Evergreen. He offered me 500 bucks of the schools money to come up and play, mostly an excuse for us to hang out. I decided it would be a good opportunity to put together a small tour up to Seattle and booked a few shows at bars and cafes along the way. Bryce agreed to come along and hang out with me on the drives. We packed my Honda Accord and made our way up highway 5. Our time in Olympia was a blast but the rest of the shows turned out to be pretty standard DIY experiences, playing for a couple disengaged friends of the local bands that put us on a show.

I shake my head and laugh thinking back on our night in Portland. The show was in an odd Irish bar in the yuppie section of town, far away from the main drag of clubs and venues. As it was getting dark outside, I played a half hour set on the little stage in the corner of the room. A few folks drank respectfully at tables all the while, but I was agitated that it wasn’t a big success, that our first tour wasn’t rocketing us into recognition in each city. It was an excellent lesson for me that each tour (especially that short fling) makes only a little dent in the multitudes of potential listeners, it takes a lot of patience and a lot of work to get your music out there…

Anyway, after my set I needed a beer. I went to the bar with a sweaty drink ticket and in a few minutes found myself standing in front of the venue with all my stuff, kicked out of my own show. The bartender had asked for my ID and discovered that I was underage. Instead of being sympathetic to my situation as I had once again wrongly expected, she raged at me. I stormed down the street, fighting an urge to turn back to the bar and smash my fists through the windows, repay this injustice! - how could they wrong me so?!!

Michelle had heard us through The Matches and came down to support. She waited until I cooled down a bit and mentioned that there were a few other shows going on around town, all ages shows that would be spilling over with kids that really gave a fuck about music - I play acoustic outside shows in the bay area all the time right? Why don’t I go play for those kids?

I was apprehensive, but had something to prove. We all piled in my Accord and illegally parked on the same stretch of street that we idled with our hazards on as we loaded out last Saturday. I grabbed my acoustic and a stack of burned demos that I had carefully spray-painted, crossed the street, and announced to the crowd of kids in front of the venue that I was from California, had been kicked out of my show across town and wanted to play a few songs for them. It was the most satisfying moment of the trip. They listened and clapped loud after each song, graciously accepted my demos, asked for more songs, and some even found us on myspace, kept in touch a bit…

I wonder if any of them remember us still.

I start to stir reflecting on that, laying on the third bench of the van, central California moving lazily behind my laptop. I think of all the crazy shit that’s occurred in the two years that have passed since that night. I’ve learned so much about my own head and heart, about the country, about touring, about the murky and deepening abyss that is the music industry. I’ve also realized that nights like that add up over time, you have to stack them up, pay your dues. I’m so fortunate to be living as I do now…